God, can you hear me?

After praying last night and as I was on the verge of sleeping, I had a sudden eureka. It just.. came. A verse. Used my phone light to grope around the alter next to my bed for my bible, took an awfully long time with the severe lack of light, and finally arrived at Isaiah 43:2. And it was really apt and something I could relate to easily, with life being the way it is now.

Honestly, this has been a really, really nasty week and Audrey is almost reaching her limit.
Results are back ('disappointment' would be a severe understatement), relationships are getting strained, expectations are not being met.

When I got Math back, I was totally at a lost. How was I going to break this to my parents? It didn't help that I do have help for Math, which is why my grade is simply not justified. How was I going to answer to them? In the evening I had a little.. dispute with my dad. Okay, it wasn't exactly 'little'; in fact it made me feel really guilty. Especially with the family problems going on now. I already got into this whole mess before, um, 'informing' them about my Math grade. I think they would kick me out of the house if they found out.

Hoped today would be better, but I guess not. Got back Chem and again, expectations were not met. I was really down about the fact that despite having studied for it, I still didn't do well. But I was more concerned about letting people down. Again. I mean, that's my personal definition of 'fulfillment': to meet people's expectations. (Which, may I add, is really ironic. I always seem to be letting people down. I never seem to do anything right.) I felt really guilty, and how I was going to tell Gerard. Really, I think he has been very kind to render help whenever I am in doubt. He's always saying, ' If you have any questions you can ask me yeah?' And thanks to him, I've been scoring A's for all my chem tests so far. I had questions the night before h1 papers and he took time off to explain, despite not having studied for Economics. But the fact is that I screwed up Chem BT1. Emmanuel, Victoria is sorry k?

I tell people to have faith in God's plan, yet as usual, I'm not practicing what I preach. I cannot; I tried, really, but I just cannot see myself leaving it all to God. I cannot commit everything to him. I cannot trust that he'll make everything okay. Really, I think my faith is, for the lack of the ability to come up with something coherent at this point, as puny as an ant. I know faith is believing without seeing, but I just can't do that. I'm like Thomas; unless I can put my hands through his side, I won't believe. I need that event. I need that something that is so tangible I have no choice but to believe.

" When you pass through deep waters,
I will be with you,
Your troubles will not overwhelm you"
.isaiah43.2.